Supporting Someone During (and After) A Pregnancy Loss
It can be extremely difficult to know what to say to someone going through a loss – especially when it’s a pregnancy loss/miscarriage. For many people, actions and words that absolutely come from a place of love and support, can actually end up causing more pain to the person mourning the loss of their child. So here are some ideas of how to support your friend or loved one through a loss that is truly unimaginable.
Validate their grief and loss.
Many times, people are made to feel that their loss or grief is not valid, or that they do not “deserve” to be in pain – but this is absolutely not true. Make sure your friend or loved one knows that their pain is real, their grief is deserved, and that you understand that grieving does not have a timeline. Just because others have moved on, does not mean they have – and they will always remember the child they lost. Avoid telling them that it’ll happen next time, or you “know” it will happen – they do not want to think about future potential children while they are grieving the loss of one they planned a life for in their mind.
Check in (without expecting a response).
It can mean a lot to someone to get a simple text message or voicemail, just saying that you’re thinking of them and there for them if they need or want anything at all. Even just saying “I’m so sorry, I’m thinking of you” can mean the world to someone. But do not expect a response, and do not fault them if they cannot respond for a while. Just the simple act of checking in, without expecting anything in return, can mean a lot to people in pain.
Don’t make “At Least” Statements.
There are a lot of statements that are made with the words, “at least”, and none of them are helpful after a miscarriage. Many times these phrases are something like: “At least it happened early”, “At least you can just try again”, “At least you did not have to deal with morning sickness”, etc. These are not kind, and not thoughtful – it just makes the person feel worse. Trust me, we want the morning sickness and the stretch marks, and no matter how early it happened, it is still a loss. Also, not everyone can “just” try again – many people go through a lot of trials just in the hopes of having a child. Overall, there’s just nothing “at least” about a miscarriage at all.
Send them something meaningful.
If it’s someone you know well enough, you can probably think of something that would mean something to them. This can be a gift card to their favorite restaurant or store, a small present, or even a bottle of wine (if you think they would want this). Really anything that says that you’re thinking of them, while proactively getting them a little something. This is wonderful for people because they do not have to think of anything themselves, and they do not need to respond. When you’re going through a miscarriage, you barely have the energy to take care of yourself, so when others think of thoughtful ideas like this, it means a lot.
Ask how they would like to be supported.
This counteracts with the above point a bit, but this can be important as well. If you’re not positive how a person wants to be supported, do not be afraid to ask. For example, I specifically did not want to have to talk to anyone on the phone about anything for a long time. I needed space to grieve. I appreciated texts to check in, it showed me that I was not the only one thinking about it, and showed me that people validated my grief – but I could not handle actually talking to anyone. But that’s just me. Everyone’s different, and many people will be honest about how they want to be supported. With that said – if they do tell you: LISTEN and RESPECT what they say. If they say they need space, give it to them. If they are okay with texts but not calls, respect that. There’s no point in asking if you’re not going to listen, so make sure to pay attention.
Avoid cliché statements.
Many times when people suffer a loss, some of the most common phrases are that “everything happens for a reason”, “it was not meant to be”, or “God has a plan”, etc. These are so hurtful! Saying that someone lost their baby for a reason, or that their baby was not meant to be in the world is actually mean. It may not sound like it at the time to you, but to the person in pain – why do they deserve what just happened to them? They don’t! Some things just happen – not for a reason and not because it was meant to be. So just be there for them, and avoid saying these things.
Support both partners.
If this has happened to a couple, remember that both are in pain – and that both may want support in different ways. When we had our losses, people thought of me, but not always my husband. And he was completely there for me, while I could barely be there for myself. Both people need support and love.
Don’t try to relate with an inappropriate story.
So often people try to relate to others through stories of their own – but you can be there for someone without doing this, in fact, it’s encouraged. Try not to tell stories of “another friend” who went through “something similar”, or even worse, someone you barely know. Even another loss you’ve suffered or someone else has – the timing may not be right for those stories. Right now, the pain and grief and loss is about your friend and only them. Just be there for them, and validate their feelings without stories of your own.
Don’t say “miscarriages are common”.
If you have experienced a miscarriage as well, yes you can relate – but this may not even be the best time to bring that up. I know for me, as I suffered multiple losses, hearing someone say that they knew how I felt, when I know they’d experienced a single loss and had multiple children after – that did not make me feel like they really understood, in fact, it discounted my feelings. And I’m not saying that their loss was not valid, it just wasn’t the right timing for it. Just because it happens to a lot of people, does not mean it takes away the pain from people when it happens to them. It’s a club no one wants to belong to. So they don’t need a reminder of how “common” it is.
Remember: grief doesn’t have a timeline.
This is a big one. I believe all of these are important, but this is the most forgotten about. Just because you’ve moved on, or a certain amount of time has passed, does not mean that they are “over” their loss. Even if they’ve gone on to have another child, or they have good news – they are still allowed to grieve the child they lost. Grief does not have a timeline, and it’s wonderful when friends and family remember that.
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